When the hummingbird
sinks its face
into the trumpet vine
and the funnels

of the blossoms,
and the tongue
leaps out
and throbs,

I am scorched
to realize once again
how many small, available things
are in the world

that aren’t
pieces of gold
or power–
that nobody owns

or could buy even
for a hillside of money–
that just
float about the world,

or drift over the fields,
or into the gardens,
and into the tents of the vines
and how here I am

spending my time,
as the saying goes,
watching until the watching turns into feeling
so that I feel I am myself

a small bird
with a terrible hunger
with a thin beak probing and dipping
and a heart that races so fast

it is only a heartbeat ahead of breaking
and I am the hunger and the assuagement
and also I am the leaves and the blossoms,
and, like them, I am full of delight and shaking

Summer story by Mary Oliver

Hummingbird Symbolism

This morning I opened the kitchen door to the garden and came upon a hummingbird delicately poised above a pollen rich poppy intently sucking the dewy morning nectar from the orange red bloom. I felt my soul desiring such sweetness, wanting to suck the juicy goodness of this life.

When I searched the web to learn more, this is some of what I found.

The hummingbird symbolizes many different concepts. Because of its speed, the hummingbird is known as a messenger and stopper of time. It is also a symbol of love, joy, and beauty. The hummingbird is able to fly backwards, teaching us that we can look back on our past. This bird teaches us not to dwell on our past; to move forward. When the hummingbird hovers over flowers while drinking nectar, we learn that we should savour each moment, and appreciate the things we love.

The hummingbird has powerful spiritual significance. In the Andes of South America the hummingbird is a symbol of resurrection. It seems to die on cold nights, but comes back to life again at sunrise.

Hummingbird is the creature that opens the heart. When the hurt that caused us to close our hearts gets a chance to heal, our hearts are free to open again

With hummingbird consciousness, we learn the truth of beauty. Our life becomes a wonderland of delights in flowers, aromas and tastes. We laugh and enjoy creation, we appreciate the magic of the present moment, and the magic of being alive.

Hummingbird teaches us the medicinal properties of plants and how to work with the energy of flowers to heal ourselves and others. Hummingbirds teach us fierce independence. They teach us to fight in a way where no one gets hurt. They teach us courage. Having the courage to refrain from creating new trauma by communicating non-violently toward ourselves and others is an important part of healing. Recovering lost parts of ourselves enables us to become healthily independent.

It is not commonly known that the fluttering wings of the hummingbird move in the pattern of an infinity symbol – further solidifying their symbolism of eternity, continuity, and infinity.

By observing the hummingbird, we see they are seemingly tireless. Always actively seeking the sweetest nectar, they remind us to forever seek out the good in life and the beauty in each day. Amazing migrators, some hummingbirds are known to wing their way as far as 2000 miles to reach their destination. This quality reminds us to be persistent in the pursuit of our dreams, and adopt the tenacity of the hummingbird in our lives.

Published in Alternative Medicine magazine

Rose is on the red-eye flight back home to San Francisco after making love with her new boyfriend Charlie for the first time. She is thinking about him, still feeling delicious sensations that charge her body with tingling aliveness. Looking out the jet’s window at the Rocky Mountains far below, she feels a wave of orgasmic pleasure and then immediately another of sadness and longing to be back in Charlie’s arms. Instead of resisting and turning her attention to the book sitting on her lap, she yields to these feelings and gradually the sadness transforms to a sense of openness, tenderness, and curiosity in everything she is experiencing right now.

In her diary she writes: “Desire. Something in me is deeply touched by you. What is that quality? Like the song says, ‘Something in the way you move’. I can name the parts: the tilt of your head, your smile, the smoothness of your skin. But it is the whole of you, your unique ‘you-ness’ that my soul recognizes and wants to join with. There is no one else in this world quite like you and you feel so right to me that I ‘fall in love’ with you. I lose interest in food and look better than I have in years on little sleep. And miracle of miracles, you fall in love right back. It is spectacular, exciting and scary. And I want this feeling. I grasp at it lovingly, greedily, anxious that it will end.”

Later over the phone, she describes to Charlie what she felt. Fueled by his own desire, he decides he will fly to San Francisco to see her over the weekend. Charlie and Rose begin to travel between coasts. After six months of one weekend each month in Boston and San Francisco and a two-week vacation in Mexico, they decide that they want to live together and make plans to move in on their one-year anniversary. Charlie, having recently sold a business and retired, moves to San Francisco to be with Rose. While they were still commuting to be together they often went a week or two without seeing each other.

When they first would get together their ritual was to spend the first 24 hours in bed. They made love, talked and got “reconnected”. They slept little, ate lightly, and felt a sense of energized well being that continued for months. But a little over a year after they moved in together something changed. Rose and Charlie now experience a sense of comfort and security with each other. But the passion is dwindling. As Stendhal put it, “Love is like a fever that comes and goes quite independently of the will.” Like Charlie and Rose, many people wonder: Why does love and desire ebb and flow?

The chemistry of desire

The poet W.H. Auden called sexual desire “an intolerable neural “itch.” Perhaps he knew what science now recognizes as the chemistry of desire. Science tells us that attraction and infatuation may begin with PEA or phenylethylanine, a substance in the brain that produces euphoria and exhilaration. PEA is a natural amphetamine that stimulates the brain. It also lies at the end of some of our brain’s nerve cells and helps impulses to jump from neuron to neuron. Michael Liebowitz, M.D., of the New York State Psychiatric Institute says that when neurons in the emotional core or limbic system of our brain are bathed in PEA and other brain chemicals, we experience infatuation.

This explains why new lovers require less sleep, loose weight, and stay awake till the wee hours making love and talking about how grateful they feel to have found each other; the emotional centers of their brains are being stimulated by naturally occurring amphetamines producing a natural “high”. Unfortunately, as anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D. points out in her book “Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray”, infatuation is not meant to last. In case we forget, in the euphoria of infatuation, the poet Emerson reminds us, “Love is strongest in pursuit, friendship in possession.” Researchers who have measured the time from when a couple first experiences infatuation to when a “feeling of neutrality” for the beloved is experienced have found that period of time to be approximately 18 months to three years. The sexologist John Money believes that once you and your beloved begin to see each other regularly, the passion lasts two to three years.

Dr. Liebowitz theorizes that as infatuation wanes and couples experience an accompanying secure, comfortable coziness, attachment replaces infatuation, So does a new chemical system. Endorphins, chemicals that are similar to morphine, an opiate and narcotic, kick in at this stage. Like PEA, they also are located in the brain1s nerve endings and travel between the synapses of nerve cells. But instead of producing stimulating effects like desire and infatuation, they have a calming effect while reducing pain and anxiety. After sleepless nights of lovemaking, couples who now trigger the production of endorphins in each other feel a sense of safety and security and sleep soundly, without the persistent desire to merge. But sooner or later, one or both members of a couple will begin to wonder, “What happened to the passion and desire?”, and find themselves wanting it back.

Does this mean that we are destined to have relationships composed of two years of intense passion followed by many years of friendly or frustrated companionship? I think most people would not happily settle for this. Nor do we have to, if we recognize and consciously pay attention to the cycles of growth in a committed relationship.

The emotions of desire

There is a psycho-spiritual aspect to desire that is rooted in our yearning to be one with, connected to and not separate from life. Who has not personally felt or listened to another express their hunger to be one with another, a “soul mate”? And who has not wondered at some point in a relationship if the passion and desire had gone for good and perhaps tried some approaches to revive those old lusty feelings?

“You mean, now that we are feeling secure with each other, we can’t expect to have great sex?” Charlie asks me. Charlie and Rose share a dilemma that many of us face. How do we maintain passion over time in a committed relationship?

In the beginning of a relationship we may have a naturally induced chemical high driving us together. Still, the art of making love doesn’t reach its peak in the beginning of a relationship. Learning to be emotionally and sexually sensitive to our lover takes a lifetime; and during that time relationships go through cycles.

Dr. Fisher puts it this way: “Infatuation may be part of nature’s scheme. soft-wired in the brain by time, by evolution, and by ancient patterns of human bonding.” We come together infatuated and become bonded. But she also says that desire does not sustain itself under close and constant contact but rather likes the element of unavailability.

Lovers travel back and forth across towns and countries, rearrange schedules fueled by the excitement that distance and difficulty create. And some couples maintain passion and desire by fighting and making up and making love. Others find that a little jealousy spices up their desire for each other. But, living in different cities, time-consuming drama, and emotional roller-coastering is not everyone’s cup of tea, and may not be the healthiest options.

If we are to have lifelong passion with one other person we need to learn to surf the ebbs and flows of desire. In “Living Happily Ever After: Couples Talk about Lasting Love”, author Laurie Wagner and other contributors share insightful stories of longtime lovers. Couples who stay together successfully report that they have had many relationships within their relationship with each other, as they grow from the challenges they encounter.

When T.S. Eliot wrote in the Four Quartets: “And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time,” the poet was acknowledging the cyclical nature of all things, including desire. After the initial wave of passion fades, fear of loss may cause us to hold too tightly to the form of our relationships, or push too far away from it. We enter an emotionally conflicted battle between holding on to our selves or holding on to each other.

Both reactions can be traced back in time to our fears of abandonment or engulfment. In such emotionally enmeshed states, passionate adult love is not possible. And holding on to your partner out of fear of losing her; or avoiding intimacy out of fear of being engulfed by him turns our once passionate connection into a union of wounded children reenacting their core issues. Desire in a committed, ongoing relationship requires that we grow up, and relationship gives us the opportunity to do so, witnessed by another. We can grow by learning to come together and also by dancing alone. When we re-engage after personal renewal, we come together stronger as individuals and as a couple.

Before moving in together, Rose and Charlie each had had independent and full lives. But when they moved in together they agreed to focus on their relationship so that it would have a strong foundation. In the process they became close “best friends” and partners. When they found themselves in my office blaming each other for the lack of passion in their relationship, I suggested that they ask themselves where the passion was in each of their own lives?”

Rose revealed that she no longer did those things she loved that Charlie did not also enjoy. Every time she thought about taking time away from the relationship she stopped and reminded herself that she was the only person Charlie knew in town. And while Charlie seemed content to spend all his time with Rose, he also revealed that he loved to sail. In fact, he had owned boats in the past and had a dream of buying a boat and sailing on weekends, but because Rose was afraid of the water and wasn’t interested in sailing, he hadn’t pursued his dream.

Accommodating each other can be a caring gift we give, but it can also be a sacrifice that we come to resent. When the energy that used to go into making our lives rich and whole now goes into keeping a relationship intact, accommodation leads to emotional fusion. An unhealthy dependence is created with partners leaning on each other rather than standing in their own lives and relating from the ground of their own being.

When Charlie and Rose saw how they each had given up on the dreams that the other had not wanted to participate in, they soon decided once more to begin living their dreams. As a natural result, they also started to become more interesting to one another again. One day Charlie came home from a day with a sailing club exhilarated and announced he had seen a boat that he wanted to buy. Rose couldn’t say she was thrilled with his plan, but she did find his energy and enthusiasm attractive.

The spirit of desire

Against all odds, desire drives us to cross continents for a night or two with our beloved, and to rearrange our lives so that we can be together and discover each other fresh each day. At the root of such longing is the yearning to be one with, connected and not separate, to be known in the mystery of love. But, the highs of passionate love ebb and flow; and we can not will a passionate response. We can however, rekindle the flames of desire by rekindling our own individual interests and passions in life. And in so doing, we rediscover desire by rediscovering ourselves.

Desire asks that we not hold too tightly or draw away too soon; but allow desire an open hand, as she is a winged visitor who tires of repetition and routine and falls asleep or retreats, only to awaken again stirred by the winds of change and transformation.

Published in Alternative Medicine magazine,
January 2002

According to Hindu mythology, the sexual and spiritual union of Shiva with Shakti gave birth to the universe. The god Shiva is seen as the embodiment of pure consciousness and his consort, the goddess Shakti, as the embodiment of pure energy. Together they represent human existence in an erotic act of love that is a unifying, balancing, creative force.

In the West today, many people are adopting the perspective of sacred sexuality as a catalyst for transforming intimate relationships. Tantra, a branch of yoga and spiritual philosophy, stands in contrast to most schools of yoga, which ask you to renounce aspects of life that might be a distraction to spiritual development. (Dietary restrictions, celibacy and vows of poverty, for example, are common practices.) Tantra, on the other hand, asks only that when you eat or make love or drink wine, you do so consciously, with presence, awareness and non-attachment. Thus, making love becomes a conscious sensual meditation.

The East has long recognized the power of sex to transform consciousness. The 12th century Tibetan Buddhist teacher Gedun Chopel wrote in his Treatise on Passion about the compatibility of sexual pleasure with spiritual insight, telling us that “a consciousness of orgasmic bliss is used because when the experience of pleasure is powerful, one’s consciousness is totally involved with pleasure and thus completely withdrawn [from external distractions].”

“The Sixty-Four Arts,” a body of teachings that speak to what every lover should know, are referred to in the Kama Sutra and Ananga Ranga of India, The Perfumed Garden of Persia and the Pillow Books of China and Japan. In Tantric, or Vajrayana, Buddhism as practiced in Tibet (see sidebar on page 121), the Sixty-Four Arts are used to further spiritual development. This process views ecstatic orgasm as a vehicle to subtle and powerful levels of consciousness that can reveal the nature of reality — and thus release us from craving.

There are really no “techniques” in Tantra besides cultivating awareness and presence. Rather than renouncing pleasure, Tantra uses everything in life, including sexual pleasure, as an avenue for exploring the profound nature of consciousness.

Tantra comes to the West

I have been interested in the Tantric teachings for more than 30 years, since my first introduction in a San Francisco bookstore. On this occasion, I was looking through a well-illustrated book on sexuality, and noticed a section on Tantra. I was drawn to the illustration of a couple sitting in what is often referred to as the Yab Yum position. The woman is sitting meditation-style astride and facing her partner. They are devotedly looking into each other’s eyes. (Yab Yum, like Yin Yang, expresses the union of masculine and feminine energy, and literally means Father-Mother in Tibetan.)

This meditation, I was later to learn, is conducive to opening the heart, bringing partners into emotional resonance. They breathe deeply and visualize their energy being drawn up from the sexual chakra (energy center) to the heart chakra. (These energy centers correspond to different emotional states and experiences.) The partners then imagine themselves directing feelings of tenderness and compassion to the instinctual nature of sex.

On closer observation, I saw a series of drawings depicting the couple coming together and moving away, turning out to the world, still in an inward meditative state with their hands together in the respectful gesture of namaste (pronounced “na-ma-stay” ), which is commonly used as a greeting in Indian culture and an acknowledgment of the spirit within all beings. The couple then returns to face each other.

This illustration spoke to me at a time early in my study of meditation with Chogyam Trungpa, a teacher of Tantric Buddhism, which focuses on raising energy through the chakras and mastering many of life’s contradictions and problems.

At that time, my intimate relationship was a concern. When I worked, made love or engaged in relationships, I was often distracted and unable to stay present and connected. I was preoccupied by a nagging hunger for an elusive feeling of at-oneness. I was aware of a well of emptiness beneath my longing, but my fears and lack of know-how prevented me from working with my emotions. Staying sexually involved and occupied with the issues of relating were how I attempted to ease my anxiety. The Tantric teachings were the first time I encountered the idea that I could transform my troubling emotions. The practice of conscious sexuality especially appealed to me.

Since I have been involved with the Tantric teachings for a long time, people often ask me about the sexual practices. What they usually want to know is how to improve their sex lives.

Tantric sex in the West is a modern development consisting of practices taken from Eastern traditions and Western psychology. A modern version of Tantra might include teachings from Wilhelm Reich, Carl Jung, Shamanism, New Age thought, the study of sexology and contemporary ideas about relationship styles and forms. These are often taught in books and workshops where they are melded together in a sometimes enlightening experience. Other times, though, the offerings seem more “New Age Tantra Lite,” packaged to appeal to the sexual and spiritual dabbler.

In my own experience, the workshops attract those who want to improve the quality of their relationships as well as people who are looking to meet someone. Frequently men and women who attend have been sexually abused, or they may habitually use sex to stave off loneliness. It’s not surprising that people’s experiences vary in these settings.

Keep in mind, Tantric sexual practices were originally sacred rituals practiced by people who did not view their lives psychologically as we do in the West. At its core, Tantra is a vehicle for transformation and spiritual awakening and not intended as therapy for sexual abuse, sexual dysfunction or marital issues. Pleasure is not the goal, but the vehicle to expanded states of consciousness.

Even so, the trend toward positive sexuality and respect for the feminine that the new Tantra movement supports is a positive direction. I agree with the remarkable thinker Riane Eisler that many people today are turning to a way of being based upon equality through partnership rather than domination. As Eisler points out in her book Sacred Pleasure, the Earth- and Goddess-revering cultures that thrived prior to the Aryan invasions held sexuality as a sacred expression of life. These ancestors were grounded in lives that honored the seasons and bodily rhythms; expressed the sacredness of life through ritualized sexuality; and shared power equally between men and women.

Today, there is a reawakening of these values, and people are again embracing the partnership model. We see evidence of this in respect for the Earth, the Feminine, Eros, the body and senses, equality between women and men, non- hierarchical structures, androgeny and bisensuality, and our attraction to spiritual practices such as Tantra.

Tantra reached many people between the 8th and 12th centuries after the teachings were taken out of the hands of the male priests and introduced as a practice in homes and forests, often by women teachers. The current reawakening and embrace of Tantra reflects our need and desire for equality, for a strong feminine and masculine where one does not dominate, but both partner each other and embrace the sacred in their lives and in their beds.

The danger is that as Tantra becomes popularized, its essence will be lost. Our approach in the West is to select the aspects of practices that fit our lifestyle, and so we often only get a superficial understanding of the teaching. One of the most important and difficult-to-grasp teachings of Tantra has little to do with sex. It is the capacity to coexist with seemingly contradictory states of being, thus making peace with life’s dualities. Cultivating openness and fluidity requires practice and guidance. The sexual aspects are traditionally reserved for those who have demonstrated their capacity for these powerful rituals.

Still, if you ignore the sexual aspect of Tantra you miss the point. Sexual energy is the creative power that fuels the dance of existence. Sex is important to Tantra because Tantra teaches that everything we experience is fuel for transformation. Everyday acts of eating and making love fuel spiritual awakening.

One aspect of Tantric sex for men focuses on transmuting sexual energy by learning not to ejaculate. This can become a spiritually empowering practice, as well as a way to extend the pleasure of intercourse. The Taoists speak about the health-giving aspects of withholding semen, while Gedun Chopel wrote about the pleasure of not reaching for more pleasure. Ecstatic states of consciousness open when one is not attached to or striving for more pleasure.

When we make love without a goal and view our beloved with awe, sex has the potential to take us beyond pleasure. Orgasms that begin locally in the genitals spread until every fiber of our being is vibrating with life’s energy. The energetic quality of aliveness, release and pleasure that we call orgasm can be a portal to unbounded states where distinctions between self and other dissolve and we feel a sense of oneness not only with our lover, but with all of existence.

As I reflect on my 30-year relationship with the Tantric teachings, I continue to be touched by the subtle and enduring truths that the teachings have shown me about myself. I have learned to work with my emotions and become more authentic, more connected to myself, to my beloved, to pleasure and to life.

Unarguably, these ancient esoteric teachings have found a place in modern lives. In Tantra, there is a continuum from seeking better sexual relationships to seeking to know the meaning of life. And whether or not we agree with all the interpretations, Tantra has the potential to awaken our capacity for connection and wholeness, taking us in a positive healing direction.

The Roots of Tantra

Tantra, or Vajrayana (pronounced “Vahj-rah-YAH-na” and meaning “The Diamond Vehicle”), influenced Buddhism in Tibet, Bhutan, Nepal, Ladakh and Mongolia thousands of years ago. Rather than removing themselves from stimulating influences and upsetting emotions in order to focus on transcendence, Vajrayana practitioners embrace paradoxical and contradictory states. Practitioners transcend the polarities of life, such as pleasure and pain, attraction and repulsion. Profound and intense feelings arise in meditation. As the energies are deeply experienced, they begin to change form and yield to a spacious, grounded sense of balance. The Buddhists call this natural state of goodness the “ground of being.” We experience it as a feeling of tenderness, joy, fluidity, generosity and peace.

As the Vajrayana tradition evolved, it was carried out of the monasteries and spread amongst the people. The teachers, often women, called Dakinis or Sky Dancers, used daily life, relationships and the senses to transmit their teachings. Using rituals, including lovemaking at the funeral grounds, they provided reminders of the impermanence of all things. But, it is essential to keep in mind that the sexual teachings of Tantra are just one aspect of a vast picture.

Ideas for bringing a Tantric perspective to your life

• Pay attention to your breath
  It is a great vehicle for sensitizing yourself and becoming present. Breathe deeply into your belly, feel it rise and fall. Focus on the exhalation and relax as you let go of the breath. Rest in the space between breaths. Try this when you are sitting quietly in meditation. And when you make love, remember to breathe.
• Create a special place for connecting with your beloved
  Select what you bring to this space with care and consideration. Sound, sight, smell, taste, touch and thought all add to creating a rich environment.
• Notice the “suchness” — the intrinsic quality — of things
  Your lover, your child, your pets, the flowers in the garden, all things have a uniqueness unlike any other thing. Practice appreciating these qualities. This cultivates gratitude and reverence.

The best lovemaking happens when we have gone beyond giving and getting, thinking and striving; when we let go of technique and agendas and are present in the touch, taste, smells and sounds of lovemaking. Yet, for many people the experience of making love is colored by an underlying agenda about achieving a goal. The pleasure of orgasm is a state so desired that a multi-billion dollar industry generates all manner of consumables: techniques, courses, equipment, lotions, pharmaceuticals, educational materials, clothing, vacations and gift items designed to set the stage and woo the mysterious orgasm out of hiding and into our possession.And while people are eagerly buying and reading books that promise easy to learn techniques for extending orgasm, the orgasmic state is as it always has been, both free of charge and not for sale.

The line from the song by Annie Lennox says it best: “Money can’t buy it.” Nor can technique. The seemingly elusive orgasmic experience — that wavelike release of muscular tension, body fluids, emotions, thoughts and all manner of boundaries — can be as subtle as butterfly wings or as strong as an earthquake. The streaming, vibratory experience we call orgasm can extend well beyond the first genital release, relaxing the body and mind, and producing a sense of well being within, and oneness with our lover and all of life. Or it may not include a familiar release at all.

When we stop labeling the sexual experience, we discover that orgasmic pleasure takes many forms because it is the ever changing, ever flowing great spring of life force energy. It offers itself to those who can let go of trying and relax into the here and now.

When my clients enter the room for the first time, I initially address the practical issues of intimate relationships, including communication, power struggles, money and sex. As time goes on, they often become interested in the spiritual side of their relationships. Of course, better communication and greater sensitivity will enrich any relationship. But the alleviation of one problem often makes way for deeper awareness of what is at the root of our frustrations. The tension, separation and isolation we experience in life are only temporarily relieved by lovemaking and we discover that what we desire is a happiness and fulfillment that neither money nor multiple orgasms can satisfy. Lasting fulfillment in sex, love and life requires a fundamental yet simple shift of consciousness. It is this shift in perspective that is cultivated when we approach every aspect of our lives with presence instead of a goal.

Cultivating ecstasy

The spiritual perspective I bring to my work with couples is grounded in the Tantric tradition where rather than focusing on technique, the focus is on awareness and presence. In the sexual embrace this attitude becomes meditative. You become present in the moment, in the senses, and one with the reality of the experience. Being focused in this way produces a panoramic experience of sex, relatedness and life. Instead of being focused on the problematic aspects of love and life, a generous warmth and appreciation develops. And with this sex becomes an experience of opening to energy, feelings and sensations at a deep level rather than striving for ultimate satisfaction through the release of sexual energy.

A friend recently said, “I’ve noticed in your articles that you are not emphasizing coming. I like to get off when I am having sex.” The experience of “getting off,” or discharging sexual energy during orgasm, is what many people expect the goal of sex to be. Certainly, this is a wonderful experience that leaves you feeling relaxed and full of well being, albeit temporarily. But all too soon desire returns and you are craving more sex or something else to fill the hunger.

Techniques abound for extending orgasm, as if that would satisfy us more. But there is another choice. Coming, or orgasm, can simply be a release from desire for a while, or it can be an exquisite embodied meditation that the senses bring us to when we let go of our goals of being the great lover or having the ultimate orgasm. When sex is a meditation you ride the energy as a surfer does a good wave, as long as you can, experiencing joy and pleasure from the ride. When a Tantrika; a female practitioner of the Tantric art of lovemaking, makes love, she does so without an agenda, staying focused in her senses and breath as a way to be present in the moment.

This ongoing orgasmic flow, rather than peaking and discharging, leaves the body humming with the pulse of life. It is not something to get off of but to cultivate, as a key to aliveness and fulfillment that continues and is available in every moment. Sex is the doorway to an expanded way of being with oneself, with one’s lover and with the whole of life.

The supreme goal of the voyager is to no longer know what he contemplates.
Every person, every thing, is an opportunity for a voyage, for contemplation.
–Lao-tzu

You do not need to be a spiritual seeker to benefit from goalless lovemaking. On a practical level, sex without an agenda is easier and more relaxed and playful since you do not have to worry about being a great lover, responsible for “getting your lover off.” Nor do you have to be concerned about how many times or how well you orgasm. Taking the expectation out of sex allows a couple to relax and to enjoy each other, the sensations and the loving they are sharing.

Ecstasy is achievable. One glimpse or even the hearsay of it gets us looking and trying to get there. But we can’t get there trying. We can only get there by relaxing our grasp and our striving, by not working for joy, bliss or pleasure. These are all natural states that exist in us in childhood and are lost to our conditioning. We can reclaim our natural aliveness, sensuality and passion for life.

So the secret is simple: Relax. Stop trying. When you are present in the moment, allowing life and love to unfold, you will notice what you may have been missing–that bliss is present in subtle ways all the time, in the enjoyment of a sip of water, the wind against your skin, the first breath of air in the morning. These simple things, when you pay attention to them, give you access to your senses. And when you live in your senses you stand at the threshold of profound and enduring pleasure.

Being Present to the Senses

Try this simple and effective exercise, as practiced by the Kashmiri Tantrikas.

When you awaken in the morning notice your breath. For half a minute feel the inflow and outflow of your breath. In a relaxed and attentive way breathe consciously. Then go back to your regular way of breathing or let your consciousness withdraw from the breath.

A little later as you drink your tea or coffee, be very attentive, present to the first taste, noticing the feel of the liquid, the smell, sound and taste of those sips. Then let your attention withdraw. When you go for a walk, be aware of your footsteps for a few moments. Feel your feet, the ground, the sense of movement. Be as totally present as you can for the few moments and then let your awareness withdraw and go wherever it will.

Do this throughout the day. When you make love be present and attentive for a few moments. Be totally in your sense of touch, in the feel of the pleasure, in the smells, tastes, sounds of lovemaking. Then let your awareness go wherever it will. Again return to being focused and aware of every nuance. Continue with this practice throughout the day whenever it is convenient – and since it is subtle and no one need know you are practicing, you can do it easily.

You will discover after a while that the “practice” has become unnecessary and that you are more deeply aware of pleasure in every act. A joyful zest and awareness of the energetic quality of life will be present and you will be discovering what the Tantrikas have taught: a steady and enduring pleasure in presence in all the acts of life. This simple reality is the heart of the most subtle and refined spiritual philosophy. And it can be part of your daily life.

Published in Alternative Medicine magazine,
August 2002

Whether you have been taught not to ask for anything, or are afraid you might take the magic out of the moment, discovering the art of gently conversing in the bedroom can enhance your life.

When it comes to pleasure, we all have some preferences that we wish our partners were more attuned to. Expressing this to another, whether we are making love for the first, or perhaps for the many hundredth time, is still a challenge for many people. In sex, as in every area of relationship, a passive approach to getting our wishes fulfilled is a recipe for disappointment, frustration and loss of interest in sex.

Ideally, talking about sex could be as easy as discussing your dinner menu. “I have a taste for a wonderful hearty soup with lots of vegetables, a loaf of sourdough bread, a bottle of that wine you bought last week, and strawberries for dessert. How does that sound to you?” “Mmmm. Yes, that sounds yummy. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. Let’s have chocolate with the strawberries,” you reply to the suggestion with great anticipation. Of course, more often than not, it’s not that simple.

Sexual attraction, the ineffable qualities that ignite passion, and the particular combination of emotional elements that make sexual love come alive throughout the course of relationship are part of the mystery of love. We instinctively want to preserve the mystery and the romance; yet if we can1t speak and understand the language of sexual love, we are frequently disappointed and dissatisfied.

This language is expressed and read by paying attention to the breath, to movements of the body, to sounds. But it is also expressed in the requests of your beloved. The Kama Sutra, the ancient Indian manual of lovemaking, says: “There is a language of the body that speaks without words. Through touches, gestures, and signals, couples express their desire for each other. Lovers understand and enjoy these unspoken messages.” Still, even though your body speaks volumes about your arousal with deepening breath, flushing skin, swelling lips, dilating pupils, lubricating genitals and sounds, sighs and grunts — talking, specifically making requests, empowers you and your beloved by demystifying pleasure.

Many people actually don’t want to demystify sex, fearing they will lose the romance and magic. This is the paradox: in order to be touched by love, we must be sensitive to the mysterious qualities of loving. The way he laughs that touches a chord of recognition and is unique to him alone, or the way she touches her hand to her lips while she is speaking, is so characteristic and so endearing. But there is another realm to relationship besides the heart and soul mystery of love. On a personality level, we need ways to communicate clearly so that we can grow up as lovers and not be locked into childhood expectations or fears, perhaps related to criticism, rejection or abandonment.

Unfortunately, many of us received messages throughout our lives that we have no right to ask for the things we want, in any arena of life. Perhaps as a child you were shamed and humiliated when asking for something, and felt the sting of responses such as “Who do you think you are?” or “All you think of is yourself,” or “You already have too much stuff.”. Since being loved and approved of by your caregivers was vital to your well being, you stopped asking. And these old fears can be triggered when you feel vulnerable. Perhaps as an adult you thought that if someone really loved you they would know intuitively just what you wanted without you needing to spell it out.

Most likely, you found this expectation left you disappointed. And for many people, brought up with a puritanical notion of the taboo nature of sexual pleasure, there is another hindrance to asking for something new. You may fear the embarrassment of having your partner think you are weird or perverted because you want to explore the use of sex toys, for example, or other dimensions of sexual interaction, and feel too vulnerable to approach the subject.

Learning to ask for what you want does not detract from the magic of sexual love. Rather, it allows you to be specific about what you are sharing and experiencing; and that can be both bonding and liberating. But how you ask can make a difference.

Pillow Talk

For example, let’s look at what is happening in Joe and Karen’s bedroom. Joe and Karen have been together for four years. While they agree they had a great sexual connection in the first two years of their relationship, for the past two years Joe has complained that Karen has begun to spend more time at work and is rarely available for lovemaking. What is really disappointing for Joe is that she doesn’t seem to respond to him sexually the way she used to.

As we spoke in my office, it became clear that Joe and Karen could talk to each other fairly easily out of bed. So why couldn1t they continue the conversation while they were making love? Karen admitted that she wasn’t enjoying their lovemaking the way she used to. She felt Joe’s lovemaking with her had become routine. She said that her one attempt to ask him for something different had gone badly. And she was reluctant to talk about what she wanted, partly because she had promised herself that she wouldn1t be a nag like her mother had been with her father.

“I tried to say something to you once while we were making love and you got hurt and pulled away from me,” Karen said to Joe. “Karen, when you asked me to slow down, I heard this tone in your voice, and I guess I reacted to that and shut down. I think this is my internalized critical parent again, but at the time I got triggered.” Joe revealed that he had felt inadequate and confused. He also felt that, just as in other areas of his life, he fell short as a lover. Joe projected this belief onto his relationship with Karen. He thought her desires meant he wasn1t a good enough lover.

Karen could empathize with Joe. And she could also see her own part in the problem. “I have trouble asking for what I want, and so when I do ask, it frequently sounds like a demand. I wish I could let you see how vulnerable I feel.” As they communicated openly, they began to see the issue more clearly. That awareness is an important step. But, then the next question is: how do we change the way we communicate while we are making love?

Some ideas for asking for what you want

When making requests, make the request positive and doable. Rather than saying “I wish you would stop doing that so roughly,” try saying, “I love that you are touching my nipples. Could you do it lightly?”

What you focus on expands. If you focus on pleasure, then it becomes stronger. Let your partner know that you are feeling pleasure. A simple statement such as “That’s wonderful, I love what you are doing”, goes a long way toward inviting openness in communication.

Express your pleasure with sounds. Oohs, aahs and yesses help you focus on your own pleasure while also letting your partner know what you are feeling. In the same vein, when you are having an orgasm, relax the muscles of your throat and let sound out on the extended exhale. Then your orgasm will become more intense. Include your emotions in your lovemaking. Sometimes we neglect to notice what we feel and focus instead on physical sensations or the goal of having an orgasm. But, if you are breath to bone with your beloved, making love with eyes open, looking into your partner’s eyes, you will feel vulnerable and unexpected feelings will come up.

You might have a memory of something painful that happened to you, or you might have a twinge of fear or resentment. And for the sake of “making love” you might be tempted to override the “negative feeling.” But, if you are a man, your penis knows, and you might lose your erection or ejaculate sooner than you’d like, or not at all. You might notice that when your female partner is making love with you, her vaginal lubrication suddenly disappears and that being inside of her feels different and unwelcoming. When this happens, pay attention and acknowledge what you are experiencing. Rather than losing the passion, you will almost always feel more authentically connected to your partner.

Simple truths

Karen and Joe told me that once they began paying attention to their feelings during sex, they agreed to allow themselves to go wherever they needed in the moment as feelings surfaced. I encouraged them to acknowledge their feelings without processing or analyzing. Joe said to Karen, “I can feel your energy change. Its as though you aren1t all here with me. Even the way I feel inside of you is different. I feel pushed out.” “Wow, you can feel that too? I was feeling a little twinge of fear that you won’t love me if I ask you to slow down now. And then I became less lubricated.” “I do love you, Karen. How about we stop moving for a moment. Let’s just hold each other and be together. Nothing in particular needs to happen.”

As Joe and Karen lay together breathing and looking into each other’s eyes, Karen would quietly mention a passing feeling and Joe would continue to hold her and occasionally say some supportive words, such as “I am happy you are saying these things.” After a bit, Karen noticed her fear passing and she felt her desire for Joe come back. “I’d like to have you inside me, Joe.”

It is important that you remember to honor the mystery even while you are communicating clearly. Don’t try and figure out what is happening, or analyze it. Stay connected by breathing and simply stating what you are feeling. “I feel scared you will leave me,” is a simply unarguable truth and does not require an answer or a statement to the contrary.

When we love another with our whole heart, we love in ways that are beyond reason, and rational explanations do not do our feelings justice. Without an awareness of this mystery, our relationships would not touch us deeply, nor would they evoke the pain or growth that are inevitable when we love deeply. When it comes to the mystery of sex, it takes a lifetime to become sensitive to the conversation between two people. It’s never too soon or too late to start the conversation.

Our deepest longing is to be loved. Our deepest fear is that we are unlovable.

This primal fear has its roots in our childhood when we are dependent on others for love. We look into our mother’s eyes and, if what we see reflected back is her pain and frustration, we take this to mean that we are somehow the source of her unhappiness. We take our father’s anger, perhaps perceived in his voice tone or gestures, as our fault.

Later, when we have reached adulthood, our fear of being unlovable keeps us running, doing, giving, and desperately trying to fill the gaping hole left by love’s absence. We hope that if we dance fast enough and win at life’s game, we won’t feel the pain and longing for unconditional acceptance that is buried just beneath the surface.

Considering how we are spoon-fed conditional love right from the beginning of life, by parents, caregivers and the culture around us, it isn’t surprising how addicted we become to approval and reflections of love from others. Childhood is filled with messages reminding us that being loved depends on being how we are expected to be:

• “You can have this if you are a good boy.”
• “If you act like this, people won’t like you or want to be around you.”
• “Mommy loves you when you are a good girl.”
• “Women only want men who are rich, powerful, accomplished.”
• “Men love your beauty and your body, and are intimidated by your brains and strength.”

Love can only happen when we are being ourselves. But we are terrified, deep down, to be ourselves, fearful that our authentic feelings and longings will be met with ridicule or rejection. So we are controlled by the fear that we won’t be loved unless we twist ourselves into a pretzel.

The fear of being unlovable creates stress, tension, and holding in our bodies. Babies thrive and learn to trust life in the relaxed, secure sense of being held and reflected back to in unconditional love. When this trust isn’t protected and nurtured, we create compensatory systems of protection in our body mind to stave off feeling the sense of being unworthy and unlovable.

But before we come to the awareness that what we are seeking cannot be found in temporary satisfactions, we try to pursue substitutions for love to fill our sense of emptiness. We try to avoid the feeling of loss or emptiness with food, drugs, accomplishments, sex, and love, and even self-improvement. Too often, Our attempt to fill the gaping hole of need with facsimiles of love turn out to be temporary fixes that leave us feeling bloated and remorseful — or in the case of romantic love, sorely disappointed.

The disappointment of romantic love is the teaching we want to explore here to help us understand how the trance of feeling unlovable can be broken open and we can experience the field of big love and real fulfillment.

The limits of romantic love become glaringly apparent in the inevitable disappointments we experience in intimate relationship. Our beloved turns out not to be the person we thought we were getting. Perhaps there was false advertising on the part of our partner. Or perhaps we allowed ourselves to see only what we wanted to see. But, make no mistake the beloved is still our teacher.

We enter into relationship full of hope and promise. After all, the one we desire wants us and sees us as loveable and special. In the bloom of new love we lose touch with the hard edges of our lives. We get a reprieve albeit brief, from the cycle of our own loneliness, shame, and conditional acceptance. When we fall in love, everything becomes softer and sweeter.

Romantic love has a fluffy quality. This love reflects back to us qualities of our own essence: innocence, openness, spontaneity, and sensuality. Romantic love takes us on a wild ride to exquisite heights, as well as into uncomfortable places when our ego structure is challenged. And rest assured, it will be challenged.

For all its magic and capacity to remind us of the love that is our true nature, the love we see reflected in our lover’s eyes does not last. Who knows why we don’t get to stay forever in this paradise of mutual appreciation? But, as Psyche learned when she dared to question Eros’s love, the closer we look at dreamy, romantic love, the more illusive it becomes. Romantic love is destined to slip through our fingers just as we think we’ve finally grasped it.

Romantic love is a winged thing that tires easily of too much repetition. Nor does it hold up well under too much scrutiny. Rather, it is best taken on its own terms as a doorway into a dimension of loving, one abundant in mystery and feeling. Romantic love, as we will see, is a guest who brings sweet innocence and playful ecstasy into our lives but does not necessarily stick around to change the diapers and empty the trash.

For all its sweetness, passion, playfulness and seeming security, a committed romantic relationship cannot fulfill us deeply or forever. We do not like to hear this. Our heads and hearts long for a perfect love and one that endures. Still, try as we may to become the kind of loving person who might get a chance at the forever variety of passionate romantic love, our efforts sooner or later fail. We are meant, it seems, to be students in a school of love that has many courses and tests.

The truth is that relationships do not give us what we want, nor do they protect us from what we fear. Rather they help us awaken to who we are and to evolve into mature loving beings. Relationships show us our wounds and our longing. They can provide an opportunity to sex, love and evolve with the same person over time. But try as we may to learn the tools and tricks to maintaining relationship contentment, love has its own rules and an order beyond anything we might engineer.

When we enter into the big field of love, we enter a vast and miraculous world where real love is presence. Presence is a felt sense of graceful being. We do not need to effort. There is ease and a sense of receiving blessings from the gods and goddesses of love. Love is both a vehicle to wholeness and our very essence. The primary technique we need to navigate the sea of love is to relax all of our striving and manipulating of our loved one and ourselves. We need only to be present to our experience as it unfolds and to cultivate an attitude of unconditional self-acceptance.

When, in our attempts to “get love right,” we encounter the tools and techniques of love, we practice these hoping that they will give us lasting happiness. The trouble is that our ego believes that if we “get love right” we will reach some place we can sustain.

As it becomes clear to us that romantic love isn’t going to fulfill us in the ways we hoped, we devise strategies. One of these strategies is to take care of our selves and to become independent rather than dependent on being loved. Carried to an extreme, we become isolated and bitter and give up on loving and being loved by another.

Self love and nurturance is a positive step. Breaking the trance that says we need someone to take care of us, to be with us always, is an essential course in the school of love. Becoming financially capable — particularly for women, and emotionally in touch and expressive — for men, are important in mature love. But the real problem at this point is believing that our autonomy and independence will be the answer to our problems.

We think if we can be independent and self-sufficient and love the other with a little bit of distance, as a kind of dessert, things will be okay. We won’t expect too much from relationship. We can have love and good enough sex and a partner with whom we can share life. We don’t want to get hurt again, so we diminish our desire to share deep, passionate, soul-surrendered love with another. We make a deal with ourselves to love with less than absolute abandon, to be safe and remain independent.

But the problem is our deep desire to be loved and be seen, to surrender not to another, but to love itself. In the grace of love we are in touch with passion, wonder, openness and aliveness. We look better, feel better, and are kinder. Most of us have an experience of being adored by a loving parent or grandparent. Who can resist the pure love that is a child? If we experience the adoring love of a parent or caregiver for only a moment or two, the power of adoring love can be imprinted in our soul and the desire for more of this hard-wired into our body-mind memory bank.

This desire to be adored and to be ravished, to loose ourselves in love becomes particularly strong as we become aware of the qualities of the masculine and feminine. The feminine in us, whether we are man or woman, wants to love and relate. She wants to lose herself in loving, to surrender to the divine dimensions of love. The masculine awakens with a sense of purpose and direction, he creates worlds and resolves issues and until the feminine enters him and awakens his heart, he is a doer whose nature does not call out to him to surrender to love as the feminine does.

But the more we get in touch with the feminine, whether we are a man or a woman, the more we feel, the more we live in our senses rather than our minds. The more we are in touch with the currents of energy in our body, and with the subtle nuances that connect us to one another and to the web of life, we realize that we can never be independent and fulfilled spiritually by being dependent or independent. Deep inner fulfillment comes with the experience of knowing ourselves as one with love.

Finally, we have come home to divine love, to big love — this is the experience of being one with life, with everything. This is the experience in sex when we have gone beyond giving and getting, where we no longer know where we begin and the other ends, where time and mind stop. And the other is no longer the other. We are looking into the face of god. And sex when it happens is a glimpse, a doorway, into the vastness of being that is love consciousness.

We have become the love we desire. This love has no conditions, no expectations, no hopes or fears. It IS, and it is everywhere. It permeates everything. It is available not just to those in coupling love, or for those who have discovered the ultimate spiritual experience. This love is conscious, spacious and unlimited by circumstances. It is boundless, ecstatic, intense and ever present. It does not come and go. It is always present, like the sun. It is we who turn away in our trance of independence, separateness, and woundedness. This love is generous, BIG and always waiting for us to return, to remember that we are Love.

Falling deeply in love with another reminds us of this love that is our true nature. Romantic love cannot fulfill us all of the time. Our desire is too deep, too big — but not too much. The disappointment in love can help to turn us in the direction of big love. And it is here in the disappointment, the hurt, and the anger that we can move from experiencing each other and ourselves as unlovable to big love.

Whether it is romantic love, the love of a child, a spiritual teacher or a work of art, there will come a time in our relationships when we are disappointed and disillusioned of our notions of what love is “supposed” to be.

There is a story that illustrates this.

A yogi had a teacher who was a severe man. The teacher made him clean his hut every day. The yogi worked hard at this task to make his teacher proud, but his teacher never praised him. At night the teacher would give him his shoes to shine. In the morning, the yogi would return with the spit-polished shoes.

For many years the yogi hoped for a smidgen of praise. He hoped his teacher would see what a committed, passionate student he was. And he longed for the day when his teacher would give him the final teaching and he would achieve liberation and ultimate realization. Finally, one night, as the yogi was leaving for the night, his teacher handed him his shoes and said in an off-hand manner,

“Tomorrow I will give you the final teaching.”

The yogi was beside himself with anticipation. That night, with infinite care he spit-polished the shoes and prepared himself. How excited he was, arising early the next morning to meditate and ready himself for the long-promised final teaching.

When the yogi arrived at the teacher’s door, he found it locked. He knocked for a long time. Finally, his teacher came to the door. The yogi thought his teacher looked surprised to see him as though he hadn’t expected him. But the teacher accepted the shoes from the yogi’s hands and then closed the door leaving the yogi standing outside.

The yogi knocked again, this time loudly. Finally his teacher opened the door. He looked angry.

“What do you want?” he said.

“I have came for the final teaching,” said the yogi. “Today is the day you promised to give me the final teaching.”

“Oh yes,” said the teacher absentmindedly. And he took one of the shoes the yogi had lovingly polished and slapped him soundly alongside the head with its sole. Then he firmly shut the door.

Against all odds, we hope that who and what we love will fulfill us. We hope when we find our beloved, we will be happier, better, less emotionally needy. We hope that our success or our enlightenment will fill the emptiness. But nothing in life fulfills us completely or forever.

Sooner or later, whether it is by falling out of love or by another kind of disappointment, everyone we ever love leaves us. For many of us there is often a worrying critical voice in our heads accessing how things are going and wondering if things are really okay. Even when things are going splendidly, you might hear the edge in your lovers voice and find yourself wondering if he might have discovered your unlovable flaws and be about to leave you.

When we lose our Self in love, even a tone of voice or gesture that in reality has nothing to do with us becomes enough to make our sense of being loved crumble into a heap of doubt and neediness and send us running for the Hagen Daz. Our love for one another is fragile. It doesn’t matter if it is our lover, child, spiritual teacher or career, whoever or whatever we have given all of our love to will let us down.

To discover the field of big love, we must stop seeking salvation in relationships.

This is how you turn it around. The trick is to stay open, really open and feeling in the face of disappointment in love. Feel the hot shame and the sharp rejection when it seems like the other does not love you. Feel how your desire for connection perhaps turns to cold anger and you withdraw when your need is so great, so shockingly deep and embarrassingly painful it seems like it never can be filled.

Strange as it seems, we are now in the field of big love. big love does not offer us everything we desire, but often brings us to our knees so that we can know what is real. Love’s alchemy is working us even while we are contracted.

There is a field of love/being that we can access right in the middle of the contraction. We may not even be aware of anything different at first. There is a natural order at work here, and if we simply allow ourselves to be in the presence of this wounded love, alchemy happens. If we can be open and curious about our situation and be present to the mystery of our pain, things organically begin to shift.

All we need do is touch the wound and allow the woundedness to touch us. If we open to it, our pain softens a bit. Other feelings begin to arise. We feel the old, deep longing in us to be loved. We feel layers of hurt, disappointment, and protection. We breathe and open to everything we sense and feel. We are opening to the field of love with all its embarrassment and disappointment. Hard as it may be, we say yes to all of it.

Sometimes it feels like it’s too much and there is no place of peace in us. We stalk around the rooms of our house like a caged animal. The habit of turning to something to soothe us is strong. We want to run for the cookies or turn on the TV. But if we can stay in the presence of this awful love, the field of love begins to unfold.

The field swirling around us is dimensional and vast, uncontainable except by our ego’s strategies, our defenses. As we see how these fail to fulfill our deepest longing to surrender to love, they too fall away. In the school of love it is love that teaches us what love is: a concrete act, a contract we make with another that exists in time, and pure being aware of its own nature without a goal or an object.

We find a fulfillment in the field of love as sweet and pure as the babe at the breast. In fact, we are more fulfilled because we understand, we have traveled and prevailed through many tests to come to experience ourselves as love and to live in the mystery and the shape that love takes. We are no longer denying our need or manipulating to get love. We know this vast presence, this tremoring field of love in all its dimensions to be the love our soul hungers for. This is the field of big love that romantic love impersonates. It is the real deal.